Election 2016: Harry Potter’s Cast of Characters…

Justin O’Donnell
Managing Editor

Harry Potter, the beloved tale that defined a generation that dared to live vicariously through the characters that we grew up with. We believed in magic, in wonder, and beyond all else, that no matter who were were or where we came from, there was a world where we could become the hero of our own story.

So why not delve into our fantasy? We didn’t get our letter’s from Hogwarts when we expected them, but the world we live in is no less magical (in a sense). Let’s imagine we did live in the magical world we read about as children, and let’s imagine the leaders of our nation were the cast of characters that will excite (or terrify) our imagination… Who would be who?

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Hillary Clinton/Lord Voldemort

She-who-shall-not-be-named is intent on conquering the realm, and ruling with the an iron fist of personal will, the constitution be damned. She doesn’t care for your individual rights, she doesn’t care for the freedoms you wish to enjoy. In her own mind she’s entitled to the throne, and entitled to rule by right of her position. She’s surrounded herself with the worst of the worst cohorts who exist solely to further her aim at dominating the political landscape, and furthering her own personal legacy. Two of her known Horcruxes include an Email server, and white house silverware.

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Donald Trump/Wormtail

He’s definitely evil, but definitely not an evil genius. He’s diligently working towards the success of his master’s grand design, even if he doesn’t quite know what the design is. He spends years undercover, patiently waiting his master’s return to power, only revealing himself, and trying to strike from within  to destroy her only credible opposition after posing as a lovable pet and mascot for the past decade. He does what he’s told, and runs for president to make His puppet master look good by comparison.

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Jill Stein/Sybill Trelawney

Ok, so she might be crazy, she might be entirely out to lunch, no one takes her seriously, but lets face it, she’s not a bad guy. She claims to be predicting the future, and teaching us all how to survive it, but the truth is she’s probably making it all up as she goes. But, she’s not always wrong, she has been known to get things right every once in a while, there was that time she predicted that someone would strike down She-who-must-not-be-named and destroy the stranglehold of the duopoly on our magical realm. Who was it she was talking about?

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Gary Johnson/Harry Potter. 

The one who’s destined to save us all. Fighting an uphill battle, against insurmountable odds, to rescue our future from the near certain destruction at the hands of She-who-must-not-be-named. Everyone has heard his story, but many still believe it to be a myth. He’s had success fighting partisanship in the past, elected against the odds, and followed through with responsible practices. How could anyone with so little name recognition pull off such a feat, and how could he possibly do it again? no matter the odds, he’s our only hope. But he can only help us if we’re allowed to hear his guiding voice. He’s stubbornly trying to enlighten the nation to rise up against the corruption of the evil that aims to rule us all. He’s also a star athlete.

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Bill Weld/Ron Weasley 

Not exactly the most popular kid on the block, neither side of the partisan divide really accepts him as one of his own. Forever he’s been accepting of everyone he meets, no matter where they’re from, or what they believe in. He tries his best to do the right thing, and it ends up making him a few enemies here and there. But underneath it all, The red headed sidekick is the hero that grows on us all, the underdog story that never fails to support his best friend in the fight against evil and corruption. He’s not even the most beloved among his own allies, but through it all, he wants to be there and help do right.

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Debbie Wasserman Schultz/
Bellatrix Lestrange

The epitome of evil, the woman who will stoop to the lowest of lows to ensure the success of her master. she lies, she cheats, she steals, she rigs elections, and tortures the hopes of millions in her endeavors to bring about the reign of terror ensured by her master Lord Clinton. She belongs in Prison, but She-who-must-not-be-named instead rewards her with a right hand position. Righteousness be damned, this woman exists only to serve evil at the pleasure of her dark and twisted overlord.

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Bernie Sanders/Gilderoy Lockhart 

Well meaning and goodhearted, this guy inspires masses and  has legions of dedicated followers who hang to every word of his tales and stories about sticking up for the underprivileged. But it’s all a lie, he takes credit for what others achieve, and himself has lived a life as a fraud. He thrives off attention, and is so wrapped up in his stories, he’s started to believe them himself. He truly believes that he’s a good guy, but in truth, he’s just useless. He’s all talk, and while he might have picked up a trick or two, he’d never hold up to The Dark Lord and her minions.

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You the Voters/The Order of Phoenix

You. That’s right, you! You’re the voters, you’re the deciders. You are the ones who need to stand up to evil this election. You are the ones who need to decide if we’ll be doomed to live under the rule of She-who-must-not-be-named, or if we’ll join together and rise up against the evil, and make our voices heard in support of the Chosen one in his righteous fight for Liberty. Choose wise America, because this is where the fantasy ends, and our sad reality sets in. America is set to either elect Voldemort or Wormtail, and unless we band together and give Harry Potter the support he needs, we’re all doomed to a fate with a government hell bent on dictating morality and spending us to poverty.

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