The Autopsy Report: The First Debate, A Drunken Recap

Justin O’Donnell
Managing Editor

I’ll admit, as I’m writing this, the debate isn’t even over, in fact, it’s just beginning. But I felt it was important to Provide a live reaction to the progression of the circus event we’re calling our Presidential Debate. Will the candidates surprise us? Will they articulate differing positions and distinguish themselves as anything other than 2 sides of the same Image result for clinton trump circuscoin? Or will they leave us wanting for more, and desperate for a change, and a third option, a real choice for change that America truly needs. We’ll have 3 topics to explore that question.

The topics themselves, I’m still wondering what idiot PR team came up with them. They’re worded to be as vague as possible, with no clear questions, just designed to provide a platform for both candidates to hold a joint press conference in exclusion of Third Party Candidates… so let’s watch them tank it like the idiots they are.

Achieving Prosperity

Hillary opened the debate, with a roundabout circulation of the question, though I couldn’t quite make out the question in the first topic of the debate. She reiterated that rich people suck, and that workers should be keeping the company’s profits instead of executives. Sounds a little bit like Bernie rubbed off on her, but then again, if that were the case, who would pay her speaking fees?

Image result for they took our jobs

Trump came back strong, he repeated the words China, Jobs, Mexico, Jobs, Lower Taxes, Jobs, and China over and over again, coming back to mention the word Jobs, without actually saying a thing about Achieving Prosperity. Nothing less than we expected from Trump, But Hillary’s only retort was to whine about how he was rich, and he’s only planning to help other rich people… like herself.

Image result for Trump ChinaBut then it got weird, Trump went back to talking about China, and how they’re taking our Jobs, almost reminiscent of a South Park episode with a bunch of rednecks complaining about losing their jobs. He did complain about NAFTA, and said it was Clinton’s fault for doing it, with no substantive effort. And his plan for bringing jobs back from overseas, is to not let them leave, without acknowledging that he just said Clinton had already let them leave.

But Fear not! We’re not 15 minutes into he debate yet, and Clinton has already blamed Bush! The housing crisis, and economic collapse, entirely because of republicans, and people who think trump’s economics are a good idea. But somehow Hillary assures us that she’s going to create 10 million new jobs, by increasing taxes and regulating business. And The Donald reminded us that renewable energy is bad, because he lost money when he bought a solar panel company. Such economic wisdom.

(By The Way, I’ve been playing this Debate Drinking Game, and I’m already hammered and tweeting NBC asking when the trap door with a third Podium is going to appear.)

But between all of Trump’s blithering about how Bill Clinton signed NAFTA and it was “The Worst Trade Deal Ever!” Hillary needed to remind us that she would be the first one Image result for hillary clinton memes

to throw an unsubstantiated insult telling Donald he lives in his own reality(not that she’s off the mark, just really snarky and un-presidential)

But the best bit of the entire first segment comes at what I can only assume is it’s end. Trump Offered to release his Tax returns, if Hillary released her 30,000 deleted emails, to which the crowd enthusiastically cheered, and was admonished by the moderator that they had agreed to shut the hell up. But Hillary did finally admit that she made a mistake with her private email server, and that she wants to take responsibility for it, so i’m wondering when she’ll turn herself into jail.

So we’re 40 Minutes into the first of the 3 “Topics” and I’m wondering if the debate has lost any sense of direction. The Moderator has lost all control, and the audience has gotten loud. But most importantly, Clinton is rambling about Trump’s Bankruptcies while refusing to actually acknowledge the topics or questions being presented. Not that Trump isn’t just egging her on. Trump even turned it around, and blamed Clinton for not changing the laws that he abused as a business owner to skimp out on debts. She was a Senator after all. If she didn’t like the Laws, she should have changed them, it isn’t his fault it was the law.

America’s Direction

So 45 minutes into the first 30 minute section, the Moderator finally managed to shift gears, and Gave Clinton a golden egg by asking questions about Racism in America. Of course she recited the same lines about building trust between police and black communities, but her call for Criminal Justice Reform includes fighting the “Gun Epidemic.” She actually said “The Gun Epidemic is the leading cause of death among young African American men.” She then referred to guns as a plague that we need to fight, and I think i’m getting sick of her BS.

But Trump’s response wasn’t any better. He simply reiterated “Law and Order” over and over with no substantive plan to fix the problems, or engage in any reform. Other than his Image result for stop and frisk memestop and frisk program that flies in the face of the 4th Amendment, which the moderator reminded him of, and Trump said it was only because the judge was anti-police. And then again, he started ranting in favor of gun control as well. So, we finally found an issue they agree upon. But I’m still waiting to figure out what she means by “Common Sense Gun Laws.”

God, the Watch list Argument… Again… has she never heard of Due process? Hillary, you can’t take away someone’s rights without a trial, simple as that. SIMPLE AS THAT! And it’s even worse, The Donald Agrees with Her fully on the No Fly No Buy nonsense!

And of course, it wouldn’t be a debate, without bringing up Obama’s Birth Certificate. Why is this even an Issue? Oh I forgot, because Trump made it a national Issue for 5 years. But of course, he’s denying that it was him, god can this be over yet? time for the next segment! The Moderator finally admitted that this entire segment was only supposed to be Image result for obama muslimabout ‘Racial Healing’. But of course, Clinton can’t help but infer that Trump is just a Racist asshole.

So Of course Trump’s only recourse was to remind everyone of Hillary 2008, when her campaign sent out some Pictures of Obama looking totally not American, to remind everyone she was better than him and he was unfit to be President.

Securing America

Finally, we’re back on schedule, maybe we can talk about National Security without insulting each other. But nope, first things First, Clinton has to bring up that Putin hacked the DNC and exposed her corruption, and it’s mean, and we should fight against it. And before her 2 minutes were up, she had to remind everyone that National Security experts told her behind closed doors that Donald Trump is unfit to be President. But it’s cool, because Donald spent his whole two minutes talking about how all the Generals and Admirals endorsed him, and they’re way better.

And of course, the DNC hack was a great thing, Debbie Wassermann Schultz and Clinton took advantage of Bernie, what a great guy, and she took advantage of him, and that’s bad, Image result for dnc hack memeand look what you did, you rewarded her. But it wasn’t Putin, my 10 year old son could have hacked the DNC he’s really good with computers.

But Hillary’s plan for ISIS? We’re gonna shut them down off of Facebook, step up our airstrikes, and arm more opposition groups to fight them… wait, wasn’t that what started this mess? Don’t Worry, Donald came to remind us that she created them, We should have taken the oil, we earned it. Not sure he understands that we can’t just take all the oil and leave, that’s not how natural resources work. But not to fret, Hillary reminds us that It was Bush’s fault, not anyone else. She even named him this time, It was George Bush! Not Obama.

Here comes Hillary with an opportunity just begging Trump to talk about Muslims. She’s smart, he can’t survive this. Or can he? Trump Turns the tables, avoids the Muslim Bait, Image result for Hillary trump memeand takes on NATO, and how they need to start chipping in instead of us subsidizing them.

But back to Iraq, Donald insists he was against it before he was for it, and now he’s against it and was never in fact for it. I can’t follow what he’s explaining, but I think he cited Howard Stern as a source. And of course, He has better judgement than Hillary, and Better temperament. (The Crowd actually Laughed Out Loud when he said he had a better temperament than Hillary)

But Hillary’s response, was to talk about Iran, and how Bush let them develop nukes, we had to do the Iran deal, because Bush let them get there themselves. Bush opened the can of worms, and She fixed it. Totally. And Trump shouldn’t have nuclear codes. Trump proceeded to tell us that Nukes are the biggest problem in the world. Because we’re not charging our Allies for defending them.

The moderator bit the bait, and asked Trump a question about Nuclear first use policy. Instead of having the decency to ask for clarification, Trump spent his entire time avoiding the question and talking about how Russia and China are beating us, we’re giving up to Iran, and what was the question again? I’m pretty sure Trump doesn’t even know what the US Nuclear First Use Policy is… but hey, What is Aleppo?

But here’s the icing on the cake, we’re currently 91 minutes into the scheduled 90 minute debate, and Hillary is finally calling Trumps bluff, that he really has no plan, he just Image result for trump plan memebluster’s nonsense. And by the way, she actually said Words Hurt, and reminded us all that she’s nicer, and is more respected by people outside America.

FINALLY! Trump is talking about Hillary’s Health. “She doesn’t have the stamina…” I wonder what he would have said to a candidate who climbs mountains and runs triathlons. He will admit she has Experience, but I’m telling you, it’s bad experience, and this country can’t afford to have another 4 years of that experience. Hillary recalls that time that Donald insulted people based on their looks.

The Final Question of the Debate, was whether the candidates would accept the results of the election. Hillary just says Yes, and Trump has to justify his answer as Yes, But….

Conclusion

Well, I was right in predicting that it would be a circus, but that extra 10 minutes really angered my Liver. The post debate is even more interesting than the debate. Political pundits are expressing their opinions, and calling the victory. They appear to be unanimous that Trump was just emotional and disorganized, and that Clinton was the Obvious winner of the debate.

But I Have to disagree. First I’ll declare the Loser. and that’s You the voter. You lost, and you were abused and neglected, and the Commission on presidential Debates failed to give Image result for left nut right nut johnsonyou an informative experience, where you could fully learn about the candidates running to Be your President.

By and large, by Comparison, The winner of this Debate was Gary Johnson. America as a whole, could not have been more let down. We were promised a Debate, not a circus, and I’m more convinced than ever, that neither of the Candidates presented are capable of presenting anything other than the circus I predicted. Without a doubt, Gary Johnson has won this debate, regardless of  his lack of Invitation.

Yours In Liberty,

Justin O’Donnell

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